So I’m writing today just to write. Nothing earth shattering, no great revelations, no intense emotions. My writing skills feel a little rusty and since getting back into it this important to me, I’m going to exercise so let’s see how the post progresses and maybe something profound will develop.

Just going through the motions of day-to-day existence is necessary but can lead to such a trap. Days go by, then weeks, then months, and years and you realize that each moment can’t be lived again. To put that into written words at this moment makes me feel sad and frightened.

Prior to starting this blog I would so often find myself in front of the TV feeling lonely and morose but too afraid of being vulnerable to take the steps necessary to get myself out of that funk.

Being vulnerable for me means going into a social situation where I don’t know many people. It means having to speak and make a statement about something, anything, and feeling eyes staring at me, possible judging my appearance and opinions. It means putting myself out there again in a romantic relationship after the devastating loss of my marriage. It means admitting that I have faults.

I know in my head that   every.   single.   human.   has faults. But in my heart I can’t accept my own. Don’t get me wrong, I have gotten much, much better about it. And that’s the thing: improvement and acceptance comes from having experiences where I have been vulnerable and not having the world cave in on me. And that outcome, not crumbling into a heap of tears or freezing in panic, is  what happens every time a risk is taken. Larger successes can only be built on the smaller ones.

My addiction played a huge role in the underdevelopment of my emotional psyche. I talked about this in my last post so no rehashing required. It’s really amazing how debilitating fear and uncertainty can be in someone who hasn’t had to face much of it stone sober. What’s funny too is that most people would never know that I face such social vulnerabilities. I have learned to cover these up with outward appearances: physical features, intellectualizing conversations, and when pushed too far, intimidation.