I woke up today feeling content, light, and purposeful. It has occurred to me that nearly all of my posts in Blended Vertices deal with heavy, painful thoughts. When feeling low, it helps to write. Tribulations can be considered from a different perspective when time is taken to untangle, organize, and reconfigure the circumstances surrounding them through words.

Today I wish to describe the happy events of yesterday, which were not significantly unusual but which are for some reason more challenging to commit to text. The contradicting difficulty in expressing pleasant versus painful emotion is yet another indication of what some core beliefs are. Perhaps applying the same process to the joyous and happy experiences of my life will allow for another channel, in addition to those already practiced, to reconstitute core beliefs while also bringing an understanding of where true motivation and passion lies.

On Thursday night I had a conversation with my friend and AA sponsor, S. (An entire book could be written about how much he has helped me in the past year; yet another realization of what needs to be celebrated in my life) S asked me to attend a meeting yesterday morning and I agreed, following up with an invitation to him to go out for breakfast after.

There is one thing that every alcoholic and addict has in common: the inability to control their use once the first drink, drug, or bite is consumed. That one commonality is all that is needed to pull together an otherwise extremely diverse group of people. As experienced many times, the most powerful moments for me in meetings tend to be when sharing an experience or thought believed to be unique, then looking around the room to see others shaking their heads in acknowledgement of having had the same experience. For someone who has believed themselves to be so fundamentally flawed, the understanding that deficient thoughts and actions can be attributed to the disease of addiction is spiritually renewing.

And so it was that this is how the day started. After the meeting, S and I went to a great little breakfast spot down the road in St. Paul. We then spent 90 minutes talking about the serious subject of recovery intermixed with laughter and talk of life in general. After the self-imposed isolation of the previous 60 hours, it was good to be around people and participating in society again. The protective shell that I’ve employed for so many years, the shell that served its purpose when I was a child but has now proven to be maladaptive, keeps me isolated and disconnected from others. The effort required to break out of the shell, on the occasions I let it encircle me, can feel herculean. But once out, the question arises as to why the shield was raised in the first place.

After the meeting and breakfast, I spent time reading and writing (see Old Sport). I also sent an email to my alma mater inquiring about the possibility of taking a class in an area completely unrelated to my business degree. Part of my shell is to turn off my brain and get stuck watching hours of TV or perusing social media on my phone. There are several purposes for starting Blended Vertices,  and one of them is to put my intellectual brain to good use. I was happy with the effort made yesterday, and so far, today.

I then went to the gym, which is also important for my sanity and overall mood. Poor diet and lethargy is another symptom of the ‘The Shell’. Exercise has been the one constant throughout my life and something I’ve always done regardless of what else is happening. Addiction and loss didn’t stop it and I’m grateful this has always come easy for me.

The last activity of the day was a recovery celebration called Founder’s Day. If you are going to have the disease of addiction, there is probably no better place to be than in Minneapolis / St. Paul, MN. Many people come here for treatment and end up staying because of the incredibly strong recovery community. There are two annual conventions, Gopher State Roundup, which attracts almost 10,000 people, and the smaller Founder’s Day celebration. It opened last night and runs through the weekend. At the final speaker meeting, which I attended, it was announced that roughly 675 people had already registered.

I am really, really glad I attended Founder’s Day. It’s another thing where hindsight so obviously allows that the right decision was made but leading up to it, there was fear and anxiety about being around so many people. That fear and anxiety, which is experienced in many different facets of my life, NEVER is justified once I go through with whatever the anxiety is about and is another example of how ‘The Shell’ causes more harm than good.

S met me there and I was happy to see many other friends. Interacting with such a variety of people, those I already knew and those met for the first time, it occurred to me how much is different and how the fear I still experience from time to time is unjustified. By putting forth the effort to break out of the shell, then forcing myself to overcome inertia and conduct the activities I truly know will bring spiritual fulfillment, experiences are encoded that make the shell thinner when next called upon for protection.

Faith leads me to confidence in the new and authentic identity being formed. Blended Vertices is but one component in my years-long shift from avoiding painful feelings to embracing them with a desire to learn what they are telling me. When I stop to look back at the progress made in gaining the wisdom to love myself, contentment and gratitude abound and I anticipate the promise of deep joy that comes through sharing this love with others.