I was going to title this post “vulnerable” and while accurate for the intended subject, I think western culture too often associates that term with some kind of weakness. Actually, the willingness to be vulnerable is a sign of strength and being emotionally expressive in a humanist sense allows for revelations about the self and the spiritual universe.

I was first exposed to the concept of vulnerability within the context of addiction recovery. Common phrases such as “being outside the comfort zone” and “having faith” are used often in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and are synonymous with being vulnerable.

I’ve lived most of life believing the more shielded I was from any risk of rejection, abandonment, or criticism, the better off. Many years were spent building a facade that was meant to be protective but became isolating and selfish. Displays of anger, the emotion most often modeled by my parents during childhood, coupled with an intimidating physical presence allowed me to effectively repel perceived threats from others.  A certain gratification was felt in the moment, only to be replaced with regret and shame as I found myself alone once again. A hypersensitivity to perceived threats meant that the filter through which relationship status was evaluated allowed for very little authentic human connection.

Great artists, musicians, and writers are humanists that see the world and then create a snapshot of time, which constitutes the artist’s perception of their own reality. The painting, song, or novel isn’t a truth to be taken literally, it is merely a lens for us to look through. As a result of publishing and public exhibit, an invitation is made  for others to look through that lens and make their own determination of what constitutes truth.  The expression of who the artists are as individuals is important enough to risk possible rejection and misunderstanding by those who take the time to peer through the lens. I find their confidence in expression inspiring and laudable. To grant myself that same privilege, however, still escapes me.

We are all creative beings, and our expression takes many forms. Perceptions of existential life show up simply through our conduct and behavior; how we see the world is projected in the way we treat others. Products of relationships and human interaction in general range from biased future expectations to raising children. The true legacy we leave has nothing to do with outward appearance in the form of vanity, possessions, or esteem. Rather, it is the effect left on those that carry on in our absence.

This isn’t to say that a morose or jaded outlook predetermines those who experience it to repeat it forward in their own relationships. It is much more likely to occur though if honest expression is thwarted through defense mechanisms employed to reduce the risk of experiencing painful emotions. An abstract, inauthentic, and deflective lens is thereby created that camouflages the origin of emotion to hide it from attack. Those that look through an obscure lens are liable to see the world accordingly.

But that same lens can be cleaned and resurfaced at any time and it happens through honest emotional expression, whether that occurs in the presence of other human beings or alone. There is no denying life is hard and that making it through the trials and tribulations is what brings about an appreciation for the richness of life. That richness is an amalgamation of pain endured and joyful celebration. Being honest about the appreciation of both creates authentic selves. In my opinion authenticity transcends the average human experience and this gift embodies the ‘lens’ I refer to in this philosophical post.

I can’t entirely comprehend the fear felt in considering my own means of expression, whether it is voiced, written, or exhibited through behavior. It still terrifies to think about approaching the pretty girl I don’t know, for example. Chemical mood alteration proved very effective in mitigating this fear; now with that compensating possibility removed, I am left with only my core self. And on an intellectual, therapy-supported level, it is an undeniable fact that what lies in my essence is good, and worthwhile, and deserving of love. Writing this post is another step towards authenticity. With each small step, confidence grows into what I am becoming.