I’ve made a vow that despite knowing others may read my posts, the value in doing this for me centers on being authentic. I’m not trying to get published or develop a following to make money. Rather, it’s a means to exercise something that I believe I’m good at. And,  most importantly, to sort out some of the monkey-mindedness that has gotten me into trouble so much in the past.

For the past two years, I’ve managed a bar and restaurant part-time on Friday and Saturday nights. I’ve dated a couple of the customers and made only a couple attempts to date some of the staff, to no avail. Since my divorce in 2010, only 1 of the 15 or so women I’ve dated have been over 32. I am in my mid-40’s. Its not that I’m opposed to dating someone older. In fact, I’d prefer it. However, that person has to have taken care of themselves for me to be attracted to them physically.

My parents bought me my first weight set when I was 10 years old and I’ve been an avid fitness enthusiast ever since. I go to the gym 5 days per week on average and for the most part eat very healthy. Also, I can thank my parents for the genes that have given me the outward appearance of someone younger. In guessing my age, most people arrive at between 30 and 35.

So to date someone my age, they have to have the same traits: a long-term interest in heath and fitness that is apparent in their appearance. Besides the attraction factor, the other piece to it is the mutual interest in a healthy lifestyle. If someone doesn’t get the relative importance I place on exercise and diet, then there will be conflict. Another factor to consider is the interest I have in the science of the mind and body; the two aren’t separate components but inextricably linked. One can’t live without the other. My emotions are felt in my body and they affect my behavior, which is exemplified by the action my body takes. So making the most and best use of this mechanism that I’ve been given, my body and the brain that lies within it, is a spiritual pursuit that allows me to comprehend the world and the place that my short life has in it. I look for that same belief and pursuit in a partner.

Regarding younger women, I do not go out of my way to pursue them but if they initiate flirting or interest, then I reciprocate. So that’s how the vast majority of my relationships since my divorce have developed. It starts with an indication of openness to dating from them, which I suppose is most often expressed as flirting. I will then reciprocate and sometimes something more develops.

But, as most might expect, it never lasts. The longest relationship I’ve had in the past 7 years has been… (drum roll please)… 10 WEEKS! Yep… a whopping 10 weeks. Usually it fails somewhere along the 6 – 10 week range. What happens? It’s usually a 50/50 split whether they end it or I do. If they end it, the most often cited reason is …(drum roll please)… THE AGE GAP! What a surprise! If I end it, it’s because they act their age and I can’t deal with the immaturity and/or inability to communicate.

I am an expressive person. I like to talk about deep subjects like meaning and feelings. When I was 21 that certainly wasn’t the case. Looking back, the raw material was there for the substantive personality I enjoy now but everything back then ran on autopilot without much conscious direction. Meaning and feeling discussions were despised as talking about those thing typically meant I was in treatment.

So why bring all this up? A woman named D. And she is perhaps the most attractive woman I’ve ever dated. (Note: younger people don’t say dating, which is far down the relationship spectrum towards engagement. What I call dating is now referred to as “talking”  LOL, OMG!) D initiated this whole thing and for about 4 glorious weeks she is all I could think of. Then the rug got pulled and all the text messaging and Snapchatting came to a streaking halt. My therapist suggested that I might be addicted to that type of communication and after considering it, she is right.

I loved getting the good morning text and the sleep tight texts. The snap chats of her getting ready to tan drove me insane. I kept looking in the mirror wondering if I could possibly keep up with this woman. A local radio station has an annual contest to select 12 women to be in their calendar and she is one of the current bunch. In fact, she is Miss May! (I can’t even look at the calendar because I’ll miss her too much) I see the way men look at her and she talks about all the suggestive messages she gets, both creepy and not so creepy, and I am intimidated.

So the middle of last week is when it all came to a head and the next day I was feeling really down and once again, lonely. D works at the bar and restaurant I manage and we were together there on Friday and Saturday night. Friday was a little awkward but Saturday was great! We laughed, flirted, kissed once, and even …(drum roll please)… TEXTED after!  My Love-o-Meter was going strong. Texting continued into Sunday morning then abruptly stopped in the afternoon. The Love-o-Meter plummeted.

Last night I was resigned to just ending it and woke up this morning feeling relatively good; still down but definitely not out for the count. By early afternoon I had some mojo flowing. Then she sent me a Snapchat. She hadn’t sent a Snap to ME in like 4 days. It was of her dog. I didn’t respond. Then came a text message about work related drama. I felt compelled to call. She answered, we talked, and Love-o-Meter was back up.

Now I’m trying to cold turkey it and having some withdrawal symptoms. Time to eat some chicken breast and broccoli then go to the gym. But I better charge my phone first as I’ll be checking it between every awesome set.