It’s been several months since I last submitted an entry. Several drafts were started but never finished. My laptop now permanently resides at the office and just happened to end up in the truck today. Sitting here on a Sunday I decided to free write and see what happens…

A depressing funk has settled into my consciousness and that surprises me. A new job was started a month ago and it has gone really, really well. Finally I can start to see an expanding horizon as I settle into the last phase of the long, steady climb out of the financial hole dug 10 years ago. What is the problem then and why do I feel this way?

I know what it is and it’s called loneliness. This new position is lucrative enough that a second job as a weekend bar and restaurant manager is no longer required. Upon quitting that people-centric social outlet a month ago, I knew the importance of promptly filling the gap. Even though I knew that, fear has taken hold and social isolation is now my reality.

I’ve been binge eating and my exercise program has fallen off the rails. Not completely vanished but the consistency that I normally maintain is not there. I feel as though I will be alone the rest of my life so what does it matter if I get fat and stay at home and watch TV. It hurts my heart to go out and see people laughing and couples holding hands.

After coming to the realization of how unhealthy even a friendship with D was, I cutoff contact. I tried Bumble and actually went on a date yesterday afternoon. I got the feeling she wasn’t into it and really, I shouldn’t be into her. There were many warning flags of a situation that I should run from. Heavy chemical use, broken home growing up, acrimonious divorce that she initiated, talking about herself the entire time, etc, etc. I think she didn’t like the fact that I don’t drink anymore. So A), why did I send her a text last night; and B), why was I depressed that she didn’t respond?

The stories I tell myself are pushing me towards an inevitable conclusion of relapse into drinking and drug addiction. I feel lonely and depressed, yet I sit home alone and feel sorry for myself because no one is texting or calling. What proactive steps do I take to make plans with people I know and to put myself in situations where I meet new people? Absolutely none. I would laugh at myself if it were funny, but it’s not. Because literally, my life hangs in the balance.

Even this weekend a few seeds of thought popped into my head regarding how much better I would feel after a few drinks. Last Sunday I went for a motorcycle ride (by myself). Passing by bars, memories of Jack Daniels flooded the senses: the smell, the taste, the feeling. Am I really fooling myself into thinking that the same cycle of relapse hasn’t already begun?

While writing, the reality of all this has become apparent. I am making a vow to you, oh great WordPress.com, to attend a meeting tomorrow night I’ve been wanting to try for some time. There are people who attend the meeting that I know casually from other meetings and the time has come to put myself out there and risk being vulnerable. The vulnerability risked is feeling nervous about being judged negatively by others, whether it is my appearance, the manner in which I speak, what I might say, or something else.

The funny thing is, I’ve never had an occurrence (when I’ve been sober at least) where I left a situation feeling like something horribly embarrassing had happened. The fear is irrational yet it controls my behavior. The fear is burned into my subconscious from events that took place as a child. Humiliation and shame consumed my adolescence. One of the main reasons I found chemicals so alluring was how they negated the anxiety that came with overwhelming fear of experiencing that shame and humiliation again.

I have accepted that suffering is an inevitable part of being human. And I know that current suffering has to do with a desire to avoid negative judgement from others. By acknowledging that action must be taken in spite of fear of negative judgement, I become willing to give up attachment to the desire to avoid judgement. I am now ready to challenge and redirect the cognitive cues that cloud the lens through which I experience the world.