In a few days I will have been sober for an entire year! Not just sober, but in active recovery, and there is a difference.

To be sober merely means that one abstains from any psychoactive substance. To me, active recovery is about changing how you think and view the world. I’m not speaking within the strict confines of the standard twelve step program; rather, it is really about a humanistic approach of trying new behaviors and consciously altering my perspective on experiences while not letting emotional baggage predetermine outcomes. I’ll try to explain in practical terms below.

For me, one of life’s major paradoxes exists between the craving for human interaction and, at the same time, a great fear of it. My parents weren’t very good at being parents (more on that later) and an underlying feeling of being “rogue” developed at an early age; something seemed fundamentally wrong with me. I know now that this basic identity was formed through negative comments made by my parents and a lack of any positive reinforcement for things that made me unique and special. Every child wants to know that their parents value and support them. My world at the age of 8 consisted of a 10 mile radius and mom and dad were demigods: rulers, providers, often angry and able to crush or raise my spirit with a look, word, or voice inflection.

If positive affirmation isn’t provided to the child by the parents, then the child looks to find that in other ways. In fact, as every marketing professional knows, adults do the same thing. If you drive this kind of car or drink this type of beer, you will be sexy and more lovable! Extrinsic value as perceived by others becomes more important, and much more fragile, than intrinsic worth. My reinforcements regarding positive human value came from MTV, the observation of friends and the relationships they had with their parents, and of course, how I felt about myself while in the midst of different experiences.

One afternoon, after my parents Great Divorce had begun, I was at my dad’s apartment watching a cowboy show on TV. These tough characters, with the pretty and adoring wives and girlfriends, were up at the bar drinking whiskey. After being bullied at school and not feeling confident at all around other kids, I wanted to be tough. I used to watch Popeye cartoons and he ate spinach, so one day I tried spinach. When the movie Rocky came out the scene where he drank the raw egg encouraged me to try drinking a raw egg. It seemed perfectly logical to try liquor.

Dad was at work so I searched his cupboards for a shot glass like the cowboys were using. Not finding any, I took the smallest cup he had and filled it with vodka. My mother drank a lot of vodka so I figured I could start with that and be safe. I drank it fast like the cowboys did and 5 minutes later, I was in an entirely different, entirely glorious dimension.

The fear and anxiety I felt that day (more on the reasons for that later) went away, the sun seemed brighter, my chest felt lighter, my damning self-consciousness went away, and to summarize it all in one word, I was… excruciatingly happy.

(I use the term excruciating because it was painful in a way that I couldn’t understand or explain then. The word just came to me and I wrote it. I’ll have to think more on that and see if other ideas surrounding it come up.)

If a little bit did that much imagine what more would bring! I poured another glass. After 10 more minutes complete numbness set in. That wasn’t as enjoyable as the euphoria but there was something soothing in this new feeling. I wanted to get back to the euphoria so maybe I needed to drink more. I picked up the vodka bottle a took a few swigs. The euphoria didn’t return but the vodka went down, and eventually it came back up.

So that was the first experience, at age 11 mind you, with a mood-altering chemical. It was a love affair which continued for 30 years. No matter the fear, anxiety, or depression felt, booze and drugs would always make it better. That relationship left in its path divorce, financial ruin, a criminal record, emotional abuse, and this overwhelming sense of failure, worthlessness, and hopelessness. I knew deep down I wanted more out of life and that I was deserving and capable of love and happiness. Recovery has meant changing the automatic responses to life experiences. It isn’t something that takes place over a few months or a year and then you’re done. It’s lifelong and a process every person  goes through provided they aren’t substituting something like addiction for emotional growth. After addiction, I’m trying to play catch-up and relearning things I should have learned 30 years ago. It can be really, really painful sometimes.

Gotta run! Haven’t proofed this so forgive any errors!